Movie and television characters are often times extensions of the writers who create them. Based on that fact, and these seven characters, one could easily assume that Hollywood writers are all coked-up drunks. While not every character struggles with addiction (as many of them seem to enjoy it), all 7 of these movie characters could be dying for benefit from a stint in rehab, or at the very least, a weekend sober.
1. Sherlock Holmes
MOVIE: Sherlock Holmes
CREATOR: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Michael Robert Johnson
One of the oldest and most beloved literary characters ever, Sherlock Holmes is in fact a bit of a dope fiend. He would often turn to cocaine when he found himself without a challenging case.
Sherlock Holmes had an addictive personality, and when that addiction was not being fed by mystery, it is replaced with drugs. Fans of the television show House may find this scenario familiar, and with good reason. The show’s creator David Shore has all but confessed to lovingly borrowing some of Holmes’ best traits when creating his title character. While both men do incredible amounts of good while sober, Holmes is the only one to have never spent any time in rehab.
2. Raoul Duke, Dr. Gonzo
MOVIE: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
CREATOR: Hunter S. Thompson
Hunter S. Thompson wrote the book Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which was later turned into a film starring Johnny Depp. The book is an autobiographical account of a week spent in Vegas with a trunk full of mind-altering drugs, and provides a terrifying firsthand account of an acid trip gone wrong.
As the trip continues, Thompson and his lawyer try to manage their hallucinations, sweats, terrors, incoherent moments and inability to speak ,by taking more drugs. Basically feeding the fire and prolonging the bender to end all benders, Fear and Loathing provides irrefutable proof that if celebrity rehab shows existed 30 years ago, Hunter would be a prime candidate for season one.
3. Jay and Silent Bob
MOVIE: Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
CREATOR: Kevin Smith
As this video clearly highlights, Jay and Silent Bob have been inseparable since birth. They have also been foul-mouthed slackers with a massive pot problem for about the same amount of time.
Created by Kevin Smith (who plays Silent Bob), Jay and his partner in crime are all amount smoking blunts, rolling blunts, selling blunts, smoking more blunts, and drinking. Although their actions have yet to interfere with their social or professional lives (mainly because they lack both), these two gentlemen are long overdue for a stay at a rehab center, or at the very least, some community service hours.
4. Donald Draper
SHOW: Mad Men
CREATOR: Matthew Weiner
The face that fuels AMC’s hit Mad Men, Donald Draper is the definition of a cool, suave 1960’s business man. He is also the definition of a chain-smoking, functioning alcoholic.
Often drinking his first whiskey and enjoying his first cigarette well before breakfast, Don Draper has been drunk for the better part of a decade. The difference between Draper and the rest of the world is the fact that he can hide his booze like nobody’s business. The only thing more riveting than Mad Men is the cancer race transpiring between Donald Draper’s lungs and liver.
5. Jack Sparrow
MOVIE: Pirates of the Caribbean
YEARS: 2003, 2006, 2007, 2011
CREATOR: Gore Verbinski, Ted Elliott
Captain Jack Sparrow enjoys rum as much as Donald Draper enjoys Scotch, but the main difference is that a pirate never has to wear a suit.
While there is rarely a moment when Sparrow isn’t intoxicated, it is important to remember that the man is still a captain. This means he is in charge of the transport of passengers, as well as the operation of heavy machinery. Pirate or no, he is constantly putting himself and others in danger by sailing under the influence, meaning rehab may be the best place for a man like him. (It is also worth noting that it is Johnny Depp’s second appearance on the list, and we are not including the movies Blow, The Libertine, or Alice in Wonderland).
6. Vincent Chase
CREATOR: Doug Ellin
When Eminem is giving you advice on how to live your life, you know you’re in trouble.
Thanks to the influence of porn star Sasha Gray, Vinnie Chase has been hitting the nose candy like it’s his job, which it may soon be his only job, since he can’t seem to land any other gigs. While the season finale left no clear indications of how or when Vince would kick the habit, it would appear as though a stay in rehab is necessary for the good of his career, and for the future of Entourage.
7. Lt. Aldo Raine
SHOW: Inglorious Bastards
CREATOR: Quentin Tarantino
It wouldn’t take much motivation for a team of Jewish soldiers to exterminate Nazis in cruel and unusual ways during WWII. However Lt. Aldo Raine leaves nothing to chance, as trace amounts of coke can always be found on his fingers.
Perhaps Aldo wouldn’t be nearly as violent if he wasn’t constantly taking hits of cocaine. Perhaps then his unit would operate in a more civilized and honorable fashion. But of course, if either of those facts were true, he wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining to watch. While Aldo Raine would most definitely be a candidate for sensitivity training in today’s armed forces, his actions were not quite worthy of rehab in the early 40’s.
Despite the fact that reckless behavior is fun for audiences, many of these characters should get help before they find themselves living in a cardboard box under a bridge. Although getting help would result in boring characters and story lines, it remains the morally responsible thing to do. Fortunately for audiences, fictional characters aren’t always morally responsible, meaning we can count on these characters to keep us entertained (and themselves in danger) for years to come.
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